Who doesn't love a good 'ol sporting event? Football, basketball, baseball. Fuck it, I'll even allow hockey since its fun to go to. Soccer still sucks, though. (Sorry Mexicans.) You get to gear up in all your favorite team's overpriced jerseys and hoot and holler as a ball moves from one place to another. There is nothing more fun! Unfortunately for some, they do not know how to behave at a sporting event and tend to text and complain during games. These people are known as gay lame dudes. The point of this blog is to teach you folks how to have a grand time while yelling at big black guys and plowing through hot dogs by the dozen.
Tailgating:
The alcoholic's favorite part of sporting events. You get to wake up early, set up chairs, TV's and other shit, and then relax and converse with your friends while berating others as they pass in different colored jerseys. Oh, and you drink a shit-ton of alcohol! These sporting events can last up to three and a half hours, so make sure to load up on as much grain alcohol and Milwaukee's Best Ice as you can. Nobody wants to pay $10 for a beer inside the stadium. Also, make sure to puke your brains out before entering the stadium, as lines are frequent for the restrooms. There is also a large selection of healthy foods such as: bratwurst, burgers, chili and sushi. If your particular tailgate doesn't provide food, just wander over to another tailgate, make a comment about defense or something vague and then scarf down all their food. After you are finished, kick over barbecue set and laugh hysterically while you run back to your tailgate.
T-Shirt Machine Gun:
"Yes! I got a cheap T-shirt with a bunch of sponsored logos on it that is two sizes too big! Fuck yeah!" That's what you'll be saying when you catch a sweet new T-shirt. It was well worth knocking that kid out of his wheel chair for. He won't need it, as he'll be dying very soon. T-shirt machine guns make the boring time-outs fun. A bunch of random dudes and cheerleaders shoot out shirts to crowds of drunk fans. Unfortunately, due to the economy, many sports teams had to cut expenses and limit their t-shirt gun arsenal. This means that weak-armed cheerleaders will have to physically throw the shirts, which only end up going about seven feet. The people in the top rows of the stadium (shanties) usually still attempt to catch shirts, even though they never, ever get them. Laugh at these poor fucks as you show them your new over sized T-shirt. The best way to get a free t-shirt is to come to the game without clothing. Even if you don't catch a shirt, a kind fan will give you theirs. Win-win situation!
Starting A Chant:
One of the most fun things to do at a sporting event. Just repeat the same five words in a row and the athletes on the court will play even harder. Try to start an original chant. We've all heard "De-Fense!" and "Here We Go Blank Blank, Here We Go!" Be creative and start a chant that starts a rumor about a player you dislike, such as "Manu Ginobili Fondles Little Kids!" or "Tom Brady Is An Islamic Extremist!" They don't even have to rhyme or make sense. All you need is a group of intoxicated college kids, some body paint, a couple signs and the ability to offend. If you have court-side seats, many of the players will actually be able to hear you, and depending on the athlete, some might even start crying and run away into the locker room. Just because you're an athlete doesn't mean you don't have feelings.
Children:
God damn kids should not be allowed within the first five rows of games. Whenever I am watching a sporting event on television, I see all these rich kids playing their Game Boy Pockets and not paying attention to a close basketball game. I want to choke them with their scarf that matches their cardigan. If you have children, do not bring them to the game. They are bound to hear profanities and might even see a titty or two. And we wouldn't want these little bastards getting in our way when a drunk girl flashes the crowd after a home run, now would we? A good way to discourage parents from bringing these demons is to act obnoxious as possible. Spill your beer on them, curse endlessly and follow them to the bathroom. (What happens after that point is up to you.) That way, mommy and daddy will say something like "My word! We are never coming back here again!" Or "I'm calling the fucking police." Hopefully the former.
Fights:
Every kid remembers going to their first baseball game with their dad. They remember watching their dad have a few too many brews, start a fight with a rival fan, stab them with a rusty screw driver and then get hauled off by the police. Right? It is mandatory for every sports fan to antagonize and mock all opposing fans that attend the game. Some great examples are: to make their best player's name sound effeminate or gay, make fun of their lack of championships, or to just throw a beer in their fucking face. All are equally as effective. When going to a game where you are the minority fan, (i.e. Cardinals home games against the Cowboys) one must not make eye contact, cheer loudly or annoy other home fans. It is basically like being the new guy in prison, you don't want to get noticed. Those that do participate in rowdy types of behavior tend to get batteries thrown at them and kicked down large flights of stairs.
So there are a few helpful tips on how to act when attending a sporting event. I hope you have learned something new and will use this information next time you attend a sporting event. Also remember to follow the agreed upon type of high-five that will be used to celebrate certain instances during the game, bathroom guidelines, (including the "no-talk policy at urinals) and to hit on cheerleaders until security is called. Go team!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
No.7 Types of Friends
Being a woman of twenty three years I have realized that I have a lot of different types of friends. No friend is the same, read and I'm sure you have some of these friends too.
The Inside Joke
You and this friend can talk for days about shit that you both find hilarious but everyone else has no fucking idea what you're talking about. Its like a different language. "Holey socks!" "Ha ha ha... that's almost as funny as "Rebecca the robot" Yeah, see.
The Connection
This is your friend that always knows about parties. They are either on their way to a party, at a party, or know of seven parties. They are very useful and usually the first one you call to find a party.
The Mooch
You go with your friend to get some food or a club and they magically never have money. "Don't worry bro, I got ya next time." Next time he forgot his wallet. Great.
The Shit Show
I have a few of these friends. What ever you guys do together they needs to get their drink on. They are basically an alcoholic but would not be much fun sober... which you've never seen them be. It was normal at parties and tailgates, but who needs a shot of Jager at my little cousin's school play?
The Celeb
This person is technically your friend but you don't really hang out with them. When you hang out with them its a special occasion and you tell all your other non-celeb friends. They like you, but not as much as you like them.
The 89er
This is sometimes one of your friends younger brothers or freshmen, but they are cool enough to hang out. "89er" comes from the year most of them were born in. Most of your time is spent explaining what Saved By The Bell was and why Transformers were cool way before the movie.
The Dude With Boobs
This is your female friend that for some reason you are not attracted to at all and confuse with your guy friends. She can drink as much as you, watches football, and has boobs.
The Black Friend
The one or two black people that hang out with you for some reason. You never miss a chance to take a picture with them and tell all your other white friends about the time they "went ghetto" on someone. You jokingly said the N word around them, your broken nose made sure that never happened again.
The Awesome
This person is a golden god. You were on the varsity basketball team, they were on the state champion team. When ever you play sports together they make a fool of you. Surprisingly, they are quite modest, unlike yourself.
The Scruff
This is your friend that refused to shave so he can look older. He is younger than you but looks older than your dad. He may never get laid because of his Grizzly Adams beard, but he can get into the club and you cant.
The Ferris Van Morris
This friend of yours has everything handed to them and acts like its no big deal. They are like Ferris Bueller, Zach Morris and Van Wilder mixed into one unstoppable dude.
The POS
You are confused why this douche is even your friend, but they are always around. Their jokes are horrible and they are just a piece of shit, but their your buddy, so yeah.
The Treasure Holder
This person is cool, don't get me wrong. But, the only reason you kick it with them is when family weekend rolls around you can make a move on their hot sibling. After you accomplish the feat, your friendship will suddenly diminish.
The Unstoppable Pimp
Similar to the Get Anything Friend, they get anyone they want. Theyhave been with ten times the amount of people as you but is clean by some miracle by God. Oh you like that person? They nailed them last semester..
The Tank
This is your biggest friend. He is the size of Jerome Bettis. Whenever you're out with him you feel like you can talk shit to anyone. The only fights you get in are with him having your back. You never get a punch in, but who cares, you won.
The Grandpa/Grandma
This friend is older so you always give them nicknames like "Blue" and "Old Man River." They acts like they don't care but one day they are gonna beat you with their cane. This friend is usually only 2.5 years older than you. Also, this is what The 89er calls you behind your back.
The Fucking Woman
You are almost positive that this dude is a chick. He gets his eyebrows waxed, takes baths and is dramatic as fuck... but he can still kick your ass.
The Smart Stoner
Just as it sounds, this friend smokes 5 pounds of weed a day but has double your GPA. They will smoke a bowl before a test for good luck... and it will work.
The Pop Culture Clusterfuck
As soon as Napoleon Dynamite was out they were all over that shit, quoting it every day. They watches 13 hours of TV a day and knows everything about everything that isn't important at all.
The Pussy
This is your friend that is in a long term relationship and can never go out. "Yo man, we're going to the bar, lets go!" Um... me and the girl/guy are gonna watch Maid In Manhattan, sorry man." You sometimes wonder if assassinating their significant other would be that bad of an idea.
So there it is, I have very diverse and crazy friends, and each of these can relate to one of my friends... so go ahead and guess who you are.
The Inside Joke
You and this friend can talk for days about shit that you both find hilarious but everyone else has no fucking idea what you're talking about. Its like a different language. "Holey socks!" "Ha ha ha... that's almost as funny as "Rebecca the robot" Yeah, see.
The Connection
This is your friend that always knows about parties. They are either on their way to a party, at a party, or know of seven parties. They are very useful and usually the first one you call to find a party.
The Mooch
You go with your friend to get some food or a club and they magically never have money. "Don't worry bro, I got ya next time." Next time he forgot his wallet. Great.
The Shit Show
I have a few of these friends. What ever you guys do together they needs to get their drink on. They are basically an alcoholic but would not be much fun sober... which you've never seen them be. It was normal at parties and tailgates, but who needs a shot of Jager at my little cousin's school play?
The Celeb
This person is technically your friend but you don't really hang out with them. When you hang out with them its a special occasion and you tell all your other non-celeb friends. They like you, but not as much as you like them.
The 89er
This is sometimes one of your friends younger brothers or freshmen, but they are cool enough to hang out. "89er" comes from the year most of them were born in. Most of your time is spent explaining what Saved By The Bell was and why Transformers were cool way before the movie.
The Dude With Boobs
This is your female friend that for some reason you are not attracted to at all and confuse with your guy friends. She can drink as much as you, watches football, and has boobs.
The Black Friend
The one or two black people that hang out with you for some reason. You never miss a chance to take a picture with them and tell all your other white friends about the time they "went ghetto" on someone. You jokingly said the N word around them, your broken nose made sure that never happened again.
The Awesome
This person is a golden god. You were on the varsity basketball team, they were on the state champion team. When ever you play sports together they make a fool of you. Surprisingly, they are quite modest, unlike yourself.
The Scruff
This is your friend that refused to shave so he can look older. He is younger than you but looks older than your dad. He may never get laid because of his Grizzly Adams beard, but he can get into the club and you cant.
The Ferris Van Morris
This friend of yours has everything handed to them and acts like its no big deal. They are like Ferris Bueller, Zach Morris and Van Wilder mixed into one unstoppable dude.
The POS
You are confused why this douche is even your friend, but they are always around. Their jokes are horrible and they are just a piece of shit, but their your buddy, so yeah.
The Treasure Holder
This person is cool, don't get me wrong. But, the only reason you kick it with them is when family weekend rolls around you can make a move on their hot sibling. After you accomplish the feat, your friendship will suddenly diminish.
The Unstoppable Pimp
Similar to the Get Anything Friend, they get anyone they want. Theyhave been with ten times the amount of people as you but is clean by some miracle by God. Oh you like that person? They nailed them last semester..
The Tank
This is your biggest friend. He is the size of Jerome Bettis. Whenever you're out with him you feel like you can talk shit to anyone. The only fights you get in are with him having your back. You never get a punch in, but who cares, you won.
The Grandpa/Grandma
This friend is older so you always give them nicknames like "Blue" and "Old Man River." They acts like they don't care but one day they are gonna beat you with their cane. This friend is usually only 2.5 years older than you. Also, this is what The 89er calls you behind your back.
The Fucking Woman
You are almost positive that this dude is a chick. He gets his eyebrows waxed, takes baths and is dramatic as fuck... but he can still kick your ass.
The Smart Stoner
Just as it sounds, this friend smokes 5 pounds of weed a day but has double your GPA. They will smoke a bowl before a test for good luck... and it will work.
The Pop Culture Clusterfuck
As soon as Napoleon Dynamite was out they were all over that shit, quoting it every day. They watches 13 hours of TV a day and knows everything about everything that isn't important at all.
The Pussy
This is your friend that is in a long term relationship and can never go out. "Yo man, we're going to the bar, lets go!" Um... me and the girl/guy are gonna watch Maid In Manhattan, sorry man." You sometimes wonder if assassinating their significant other would be that bad of an idea.
So there it is, I have very diverse and crazy friends, and each of these can relate to one of my friends... so go ahead and guess who you are.
Friday, January 8, 2010
No. 6 How to act like and adult.
Acting like an adult is just that, acting. You don't actually have to be mature or carry a job that involves something other than a fast food. Once you start getting older, itis expectedof one to hold themselves on a certain regaurd. Unfortunatelt, this manner rarely, if ever, involves getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon because you have to 'finish the keg before it goes bad." One must fit in with actual adults that look down on those who still enjoy breaking into hotel swimming pools and pissing off balconies. To act like a grown up you just have to follow a few simple rules that I will walk you through.
Drink Wine:
Drinking more booze? Sounds like a great idea! Well, unfortunately, its not astubular rad as it sounds. Instead of chugging cans of cheap beer and making whiskey cokes with five parts whiskey and one part coke, you will have to dring (and learn how to pronounce) different wines in moderation. That's right. Two glasses is the norm for most social functions, and if you're gonna really get crazy you can split a bottle of wine with your wife/husband. "Wait, wife/husband?" (We'll get there.) Wine is classy. You don't hear drunken vicenarians* talking about the age or region of their beer. They just drink it, smash it on their head and repeat. Oh, and wine tastes like shit so you better get use to it.
Judgement:
"How immature!", "That just makes me sad", "Let's get out of the neighbourhood, there's too many minorities." These are just a few statements that you will need to recite in order to become a full fledged adult. As a young adult, judgement is rare. We don't care if someone is different, we'll make fun of them incessantly. If someone is making poor life decisions, we laugh and high five them. Not when you're a grown up. You must look down on these people that choose to "have fun," "stay out late," and "work at McDonalds." So look down your nose at those that use theirs to consume their drugs while in Vegas. It will help you forget all the fun times you had only a few short years ago, and rememeber that Fraiser is on in fifteen minutes.
Vocabulary:
No more "suck," "cock," or "cum dumpster." Using Latin phrases really impresses the masses. Latin is the smart person's second language, unlike Spanish and god forbid French. It's like being bilingual without having to work at Taco Bell. To garner a wide vocabulary, one must go to college and actually study. If it;s too late for that, just get yourself a Word of teh Day Calendar. These are perfect, and each day you get to challenge yourself. It will be a funky adventure trying to slyly use the word referendum in a conversation. So go out there and sapere aude all over the fucking place.
Reading:
I know what you're thinking. Reading sucks. But you're doing it right now, (well, sort of) so it shouldn't be too hard to with actual books. Adults like to have these things called "book cases" in their homes and show off their collection of square objects with text. It's kind of like a DVD collection, except not cool. To act like and adult you will also have to actually read. Coloring books do not count unfortunately, but you can still use them in your free time because they're super awesome. Adults will often join book clubs where they talk about the book's themes and characters and other very, very boring things that do not involve jet skis.
New Friends:
Johnny D., Olly, and Moose must go by the wayside. Actually, any of your friends with nicknames are people that you must abandon once you become a grown up. Once you rid yourself of your actual friends you enjoy being around, you must find a new group of friends, preferably ones that wear collard shirts underneath cashmere sweaters and names like W. Seymore Finch. Find yourself a clique of sophisticated professionals who go to coffee shops and put signs next to their laptops that say "Working, Please Do Not Disturb." These new friends of yours may not be funny, loyal, or even intersting, but they will make you feel like an adult by constantly yelling at servers for their lack of Southern French knowledge.
A Healthy Diet:
No, that doesn't mean ordering chicken instead of been in your burrito at 4 am. It means buying soy this, and low-fat that. You're getting older and your metabolism that you abused throughout college is about to get it's revenge on your chest in the form of man-boobs, or a spare tire. The first thing you must do is without is cheese. Back in the day you would put cheese on everything. Chips. Burgers. Ramen noodles. Not anymore, now the only time you can consume cheese is at a fondue party.** Remember those nasty green things your bitch mother use to force feed you? They're back. Vegtables. You have to eat them because they're good for you and spitting them into napkins is not what grown ups do.
Wardrobe:
You have to wear suits/dresses everywhere. To work, to family functions, to Hot Dog Eating Contests. Whenever I see a dude in a suit I know he means buisness. Suits insinuate power and respect. Your beer pong semi-finalist t-shirt from 2004 does not. (Just kidding, that's awesome, dude!) Work places often times require a dress code that you abide by. Adding accessories to the work wear is not recommended. So no sombreros, glow stick necklaces or chains for your wallet. When out with friends***, you can dress more casual with cardigan, turtleneck, or polo. Remember all the clothes your grandma gave you that you never wear? Well, now you have a reason to dust them off and wear them while visiting wine country!
A Wife/Husband and K|ids:
Ugh, I know.
Here is a short list of other changes you will need to make in order to act like a grown up.
*Sweet new word I learned that means people between 20-29. Use to impress grandma!
**It's not worth it though, no nacho cheese.
***AKA your wife's friends.
Drink Wine:
Drinking more booze? Sounds like a great idea! Well, unfortunately, its not as
Judgement:
"How immature!", "That just makes me sad", "Let's get out of the neighbourhood, there's too many minorities." These are just a few statements that you will need to recite in order to become a full fledged adult. As a young adult, judgement is rare. We don't care if someone is different, we'll make fun of them incessantly. If someone is making poor life decisions, we laugh and high five them. Not when you're a grown up. You must look down on these people that choose to "have fun," "stay out late," and "work at McDonalds." So look down your nose at those that use theirs to consume their drugs while in Vegas. It will help you forget all the fun times you had only a few short years ago, and rememeber that Fraiser is on in fifteen minutes.
Vocabulary:
No more "suck," "cock," or "cum dumpster." Using Latin phrases really impresses the masses. Latin is the smart person's second language, unlike Spanish and god forbid French. It's like being bilingual without having to work at Taco Bell. To garner a wide vocabulary, one must go to college and actually study. If it;s too late for that, just get yourself a Word of teh Day Calendar. These are perfect, and each day you get to challenge yourself. It will be a funky adventure trying to slyly use the word referendum in a conversation. So go out there and sapere aude all over the fucking place.
Reading:
I know what you're thinking. Reading sucks. But you're doing it right now, (well, sort of) so it shouldn't be too hard to with actual books. Adults like to have these things called "book cases" in their homes and show off their collection of square objects with text. It's kind of like a DVD collection, except not cool. To act like and adult you will also have to actually read. Coloring books do not count unfortunately, but you can still use them in your free time because they're super awesome. Adults will often join book clubs where they talk about the book's themes and characters and other very, very boring things that do not involve jet skis.
New Friends:
Johnny D., Olly, and Moose must go by the wayside. Actually, any of your friends with nicknames are people that you must abandon once you become a grown up. Once you rid yourself of your actual friends you enjoy being around, you must find a new group of friends, preferably ones that wear collard shirts underneath cashmere sweaters and names like W. Seymore Finch. Find yourself a clique of sophisticated professionals who go to coffee shops and put signs next to their laptops that say "Working, Please Do Not Disturb." These new friends of yours may not be funny, loyal, or even intersting, but they will make you feel like an adult by constantly yelling at servers for their lack of Southern French knowledge.
A Healthy Diet:
No, that doesn't mean ordering chicken instead of been in your burrito at 4 am. It means buying soy this, and low-fat that. You're getting older and your metabolism that you abused throughout college is about to get it's revenge on your chest in the form of man-boobs, or a spare tire. The first thing you must do is without is cheese. Back in the day you would put cheese on everything. Chips. Burgers. Ramen noodles. Not anymore, now the only time you can consume cheese is at a fondue party.** Remember those nasty green things your bitch mother use to force feed you? They're back. Vegtables. You have to eat them because they're good for you and spitting them into napkins is not what grown ups do.
Wardrobe:
You have to wear suits/dresses everywhere. To work, to family functions, to Hot Dog Eating Contests. Whenever I see a dude in a suit I know he means buisness. Suits insinuate power and respect. Your beer pong semi-finalist t-shirt from 2004 does not. (Just kidding, that's awesome, dude!) Work places often times require a dress code that you abide by. Adding accessories to the work wear is not recommended. So no sombreros, glow stick necklaces or chains for your wallet. When out with friends***, you can dress more casual with cardigan, turtleneck, or polo. Remember all the clothes your grandma gave you that you never wear? Well, now you have a reason to dust them off and wear them while visiting wine country!
A Wife/Husband and K|ids:
Ugh, I know.
Here is a short list of other changes you will need to make in order to act like a grown up.
- Proper bed time.
- Cleaning your home more then once a week.
- Insisting on paying for the check at a restaurant while out with friends.
- Working more then 15 hours a week.
- Golfing.
- Male pattern baldness.
- Self control.
- Having the skills to actually fix things.
- Doing your taxes.
- Monogamy.
*Sweet new word I learned that means people between 20-29. Use to impress grandma!
**It's not worth it though, no nacho cheese.
***AKA your wife's friends.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
No. 5 How to be sarcastic
Sarcasm is a finely wroght tool that can be honed and used for good or bad purposes. Warning... if you use sarcasm at the wrong time or with the wrong person you may seriously offend them... then again isnt that the point?
Step 1:
Choose your target carefully. Start with the next police officer that pulls you over for speeding through a school zone... as he/she approaches the window start sniffing proclaiming how you enjoy the smell of bacon, or choose the biggest guy in the bar, when he looks at you funny ask him if he has the muscles he does to compensate for something else.
Step 2:
Be tactful and tasteful. Choose your fattest friend and make fun of them time and time again with your new found talent, another friend will work as well for practice as long as they have something they are insecure about... by choosing a friend you already know their insecurities and can plan your sarcastic comments ahead of time to hone in and attack that insecurity.
Step 3:
Deliver your joke quickly. If you wait to long your joke will lose its desired insulting, sarcastic effect, making you look twice as stupid as the person you are making fun of. If you aren't quick witted (you probably shouldn't even be attempting to be sarcastic) a good way to buy urself a few seconds is to stare at the person with a small smile on your face. If you manage to think of a gnarly comment, say it dumbass. If not smile and shake you head as if to say "that was way to easy, your not worth it"
Step 4:
Poke fun. Use those sunglasses that make you super cool and stare at people, look at what they are wearing, how they are acting, and what they look like. While doing this build your arsinol against them, what famous person do they dress like who has no fashion sense, what cartoon character do they remind you of? Say it even at the most non appropriate time... like when your best friend is telling you about how their boyfriend just broke up with them, tell them its probably because they dress like Mary-kate Olsen, they look homeless.
Step 5:
Over use your new found talent. Since, besides looking really cool and doing lots of drugs, your only real talent is now sarcasm, use it every chance you get. Making fun of people anywhere at any time, in church, out grocerie shopping, at a job interview, when dealing with a client these people will now see how you have more talent then just seeming to be a super cool person. The more insulting your jibes are, the more people will respect you and want to spend time with you to sponge off your coolness and talent.
Step 1:
Choose your target carefully. Start with the next police officer that pulls you over for speeding through a school zone... as he/she approaches the window start sniffing proclaiming how you enjoy the smell of bacon, or choose the biggest guy in the bar, when he looks at you funny ask him if he has the muscles he does to compensate for something else.
Step 2:
Be tactful and tasteful. Choose your fattest friend and make fun of them time and time again with your new found talent, another friend will work as well for practice as long as they have something they are insecure about... by choosing a friend you already know their insecurities and can plan your sarcastic comments ahead of time to hone in and attack that insecurity.
Step 3:
Deliver your joke quickly. If you wait to long your joke will lose its desired insulting, sarcastic effect, making you look twice as stupid as the person you are making fun of. If you aren't quick witted (you probably shouldn't even be attempting to be sarcastic) a good way to buy urself a few seconds is to stare at the person with a small smile on your face. If you manage to think of a gnarly comment, say it dumbass. If not smile and shake you head as if to say "that was way to easy, your not worth it"
Step 4:
Poke fun. Use those sunglasses that make you super cool and stare at people, look at what they are wearing, how they are acting, and what they look like. While doing this build your arsinol against them, what famous person do they dress like who has no fashion sense, what cartoon character do they remind you of? Say it even at the most non appropriate time... like when your best friend is telling you about how their boyfriend just broke up with them, tell them its probably because they dress like Mary-kate Olsen, they look homeless.
Step 5:
Over use your new found talent. Since, besides looking really cool and doing lots of drugs, your only real talent is now sarcasm, use it every chance you get. Making fun of people anywhere at any time, in church, out grocerie shopping, at a job interview, when dealing with a client these people will now see how you have more talent then just seeming to be a super cool person. The more insulting your jibes are, the more people will respect you and want to spend time with you to sponge off your coolness and talent.
No. 4 How to be cool
I know how it is, you're a little awkward, don't have many friends, and haven't really tried any hard drugs, yet. But don't put your roommates toaster in the bathtub just yet, there's hope. Just listen up...
Sunglasses
Wear them. All the time. During the day. At the movies. At church. People will notice and respect you. The dude with the sunglasses on at the party always has loads of coke, and we all know coke is totally gnarly.
Vocabulary
Use words that were totally cool during the 90's. Tubular, righteous, neat-o.... actually don't use that, fag. People will be like "whoa man, haven't heard anyone say radical in forever, high five!"
Half-words
Now that you have your righteous new lingo, you have to start saying words only half way. Only losers say the whole word. Instead of whatever say "what ev," instead of saying session say "sesh," instead of saying douchbag say "D-bag." In no time you will be chillin, having a smoke sesh when a D-bag comes by and asks for a hit and you'll be like "what ev."
Coke
Not the soda, cool people drink Pepsi. Just blow alot of lines then brag about it to friends and family, high-fiveing will ensue.
Steal
Now that you have those badass sunglasses you have to prove you badassness. Go to the liquor store and rob the place. No need for a weapon, get away car, or a hoodie. Just look real mean and demand money. Now you have more money for new sunglasses.... and Coke!
Bandanna
Bandanna, not banana (I know, I get confused too). You gotta have a bandanna. Snoop Dogg wears them and he is badass.
Tunage
Bump some tunes in you Camry that your mom bought you for your 16th birthday. People will hear you coming from far away, and a large crowd will gather to see how amazing you are.
Hit on chicks
Cool dudes hit on chicks like it's nothing. So, while at a party/event/church picnic just hit on every girl you see. Grabbing her ass and whistling works too. And if she gives you the cold shoulder, just tell everyone she has ghonoria.
Fuck your friends
Not litterally, unless you want to, but please use a condom. Say good-bye to your old friends and yo to your new friends (cool people say yo instead of hello). Your new friends will use cool lingo and do a lot of coke while wearing bandanna's and sunglasses. Your old friends will go to class and have a future, what a bunch of fags. When you see your old friends punch them in the ear and run away.
There you go, these tips should assure your coolness. Just remember never smile in pictures, carry a hand gun, and throw objects at cute animals.
Sunglasses
Wear them. All the time. During the day. At the movies. At church. People will notice and respect you. The dude with the sunglasses on at the party always has loads of coke, and we all know coke is totally gnarly.
Vocabulary
Use words that were totally cool during the 90's. Tubular, righteous, neat-o.... actually don't use that, fag. People will be like "whoa man, haven't heard anyone say radical in forever, high five!"
Half-words
Now that you have your righteous new lingo, you have to start saying words only half way. Only losers say the whole word. Instead of whatever say "what ev," instead of saying session say "sesh," instead of saying douchbag say "D-bag." In no time you will be chillin, having a smoke sesh when a D-bag comes by and asks for a hit and you'll be like "what ev."
Coke
Not the soda, cool people drink Pepsi. Just blow alot of lines then brag about it to friends and family, high-fiveing will ensue.
Steal
Now that you have those badass sunglasses you have to prove you badassness. Go to the liquor store and rob the place. No need for a weapon, get away car, or a hoodie. Just look real mean and demand money. Now you have more money for new sunglasses.... and Coke!
Bandanna
Bandanna, not banana (I know, I get confused too). You gotta have a bandanna. Snoop Dogg wears them and he is badass.
Tunage
Bump some tunes in you Camry that your mom bought you for your 16th birthday. People will hear you coming from far away, and a large crowd will gather to see how amazing you are.
Hit on chicks
Cool dudes hit on chicks like it's nothing. So, while at a party/event/church picnic just hit on every girl you see. Grabbing her ass and whistling works too. And if she gives you the cold shoulder, just tell everyone she has ghonoria.
Fuck your friends
Not litterally, unless you want to, but please use a condom. Say good-bye to your old friends and yo to your new friends (cool people say yo instead of hello). Your new friends will use cool lingo and do a lot of coke while wearing bandanna's and sunglasses. Your old friends will go to class and have a future, what a bunch of fags. When you see your old friends punch them in the ear and run away.
There you go, these tips should assure your coolness. Just remember never smile in pictures, carry a hand gun, and throw objects at cute animals.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
No.3 Erecting Your Self-Esteem
Self-esteem according to the Free Online Dictionary is pride in ones self....
So, are you down in the dumps, a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs, have you recently watched the Canada vs. United States junior hockey game, or always get turned down by that hottie your interested in? Well just think in 20 years that person will be and old maid/man and nobody will ever love them. Here are some ways to help you raise your self-esteem.
Have your friend re-tell you the story of the day their dog got ran over by a car.
- It will remind you of your alive dog.
Go to Wal-mart
- Seeing those sub-humans can make you feel better.
Visit a retirement home.
- Be sure to let them know you will outlive them.
Sign up for charity work.
- No need to actually do the charity work. Signing up alone will make you feel better.
Curse around children.
- Teaching them new vocabulary will make their parents happy.
Date a real fat person.
- Like a really fat one... 400lbs. Make sure not to take them out in public, (cranes can be expensive) and have them do everything for you and make them fall in love with you. Leave them. Your self-esteem will go up and theirs will go down, like a see-saw! (Caution: do not go on see-saw with fat person.)
Have a child.
- This is a 9 month process (and if its too much work, just steal one) but well worth it. Once they become old enough to stand you have yourself a servant.
Ask your Jewish friend what they would like for Christmas.
- self explanitory and halarious.
Drink Alot.
- Your life seems so much more cooler and intersting when you are drunk. Even when its by yourself on a sunday morning.
Go back to middle school.
- Outsmart all of those 13 year olds. Too tough?? Try elementary school.
Read a book.
- Ha ha just kidding, we all know you arent really smart enough to read it...
Smoke some drugs.
- or inject them... see drink alot.
Good luck everyone! Also, if this doesn't seem to work. It is probably because I gave you horrible advice.
So, are you down in the dumps, a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs, have you recently watched the Canada vs. United States junior hockey game, or always get turned down by that hottie your interested in? Well just think in 20 years that person will be and old maid/man and nobody will ever love them. Here are some ways to help you raise your self-esteem.
Have your friend re-tell you the story of the day their dog got ran over by a car.
- It will remind you of your alive dog.
Go to Wal-mart
- Seeing those sub-humans can make you feel better.
Visit a retirement home.
- Be sure to let them know you will outlive them.
Sign up for charity work.
- No need to actually do the charity work. Signing up alone will make you feel better.
Curse around children.
- Teaching them new vocabulary will make their parents happy.
Date a real fat person.
- Like a really fat one... 400lbs. Make sure not to take them out in public, (cranes can be expensive) and have them do everything for you and make them fall in love with you. Leave them. Your self-esteem will go up and theirs will go down, like a see-saw! (Caution: do not go on see-saw with fat person.)
Have a child.
- This is a 9 month process (and if its too much work, just steal one) but well worth it. Once they become old enough to stand you have yourself a servant.
Ask your Jewish friend what they would like for Christmas.
- self explanitory and halarious.
Drink Alot.
- Your life seems so much more cooler and intersting when you are drunk. Even when its by yourself on a sunday morning.
Go back to middle school.
- Outsmart all of those 13 year olds. Too tough?? Try elementary school.
Read a book.
- Ha ha just kidding, we all know you arent really smart enough to read it...
Smoke some drugs.
- or inject them... see drink alot.
Good luck everyone! Also, if this doesn't seem to work. It is probably because I gave you horrible advice.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
22 ways... To kill a man... With your bare hands!!!
TEMPLE - A very susceptibile vital spot. If struck with sufficient force, may cause unconsciousness or death.
NASION - This is the summit of the nose. If struck with sufficient force may cause death.
PHILTRUM - This is the area between the upper lip and the bottom of the nose. Attack to this area may also cause unconsciousness or death.
HOOK TO JAW - A powerful hook punch to the front side of jaw may snap an enemy's neck. Fatal.
ADAM'S APPLE - A sharp blow here may cause enemy to asphyxiate.
SOLAR PLEXUS - The small of back. May cause death.
TESTICLES - The strong, focused pain of a vicious low blow may cause shock, resulting in death.
BASE OF CEREBELLUM - A powerful blow to the nape of the neck, causing mortal damage.
COCCYX - A powerful blow to the tail bone. Fatal.
FULL NELSON - Stand behind the enemy, put your arms under his, and lock your hands behind his head. Bending the neck forward may either break neck, asphyxiate enemy, or cut of supply of spinal fluid to brain, causing brain damage or death.
HALF NELSON - Again, standing behind enemy, but one arm is used to pin one of enemy's arms.
BRAIN BUSTER - Bend enemy over towards you, placing him in a headlock. Grab the back of his belt, and haul him into the air, vertical, upside-down. Allow yourself to fall backward, landing on your enemy's head, which will absorb your combined weight. Most effective on concrete or gravel.
RUSSIAN OMELET - Cross enemy's legs. Fold enemy by pinning his shoulders to ground upside-down and placing his legs above him. Sit on his legs, folding the bass of the spine. Fatal.
HEART PUNCH - A strongman's attack, it is simply a powerful blow to the heart. (Many years ago, the wrestler Ox killed an opposing wrestler with this attack.)
UPPERCUT - An upward strike to the bottom of the jaw with the heel of the hand, causing the enemy's head to snap backward. May shatter vertabrae. Fatal.
ABDOMEN - A substantial blow to this area may rupture a vital organ, causing death.
RIB CAGE - A vicious shattering of the rib cage may cause grave internal bleeding.
HEAD-TO-WALL PUNCH - A swift, hard, cold-cock punch to an enemy's face while he is standing near a wall may drive his head into it, causing the back of the skull to shatter fatally.
PINNED DROP KICK - Standing behind enemy, holding his arms straight back. A drop kick to the back without releasing arms may severe spine, causing death.
HEAD WRENCH - Grabbing an enemy's head by the mouth and the back of the skull, then twisting with a sudden, violent jerk to rend vertabrae, may easily cause death.
CHOKE HOLD - Once a favorite of law enforcement officials, has often proved deadly. The right arm goes over the enemy's right shoulder, and grips the back of the head. The left arm comes over his left shoulder, reaches across neck, and grabs own right forearm. With enough pressure applied, causes brain damage or death.
HEAD YANK - Bend enemy forward, grab head, and pull back with convincing force. May seperate delicate vertebrae, causing death.
NASION - This is the summit of the nose. If struck with sufficient force may cause death.
PHILTRUM - This is the area between the upper lip and the bottom of the nose. Attack to this area may also cause unconsciousness or death.
HOOK TO JAW - A powerful hook punch to the front side of jaw may snap an enemy's neck. Fatal.
ADAM'S APPLE - A sharp blow here may cause enemy to asphyxiate.
SOLAR PLEXUS - The small of back. May cause death.
TESTICLES - The strong, focused pain of a vicious low blow may cause shock, resulting in death.
BASE OF CEREBELLUM - A powerful blow to the nape of the neck, causing mortal damage.
COCCYX - A powerful blow to the tail bone. Fatal.
FULL NELSON - Stand behind the enemy, put your arms under his, and lock your hands behind his head. Bending the neck forward may either break neck, asphyxiate enemy, or cut of supply of spinal fluid to brain, causing brain damage or death.
HALF NELSON - Again, standing behind enemy, but one arm is used to pin one of enemy's arms.
BRAIN BUSTER - Bend enemy over towards you, placing him in a headlock. Grab the back of his belt, and haul him into the air, vertical, upside-down. Allow yourself to fall backward, landing on your enemy's head, which will absorb your combined weight. Most effective on concrete or gravel.
RUSSIAN OMELET - Cross enemy's legs. Fold enemy by pinning his shoulders to ground upside-down and placing his legs above him. Sit on his legs, folding the bass of the spine. Fatal.
HEART PUNCH - A strongman's attack, it is simply a powerful blow to the heart. (Many years ago, the wrestler Ox killed an opposing wrestler with this attack.)
UPPERCUT - An upward strike to the bottom of the jaw with the heel of the hand, causing the enemy's head to snap backward. May shatter vertabrae. Fatal.
ABDOMEN - A substantial blow to this area may rupture a vital organ, causing death.
RIB CAGE - A vicious shattering of the rib cage may cause grave internal bleeding.
HEAD-TO-WALL PUNCH - A swift, hard, cold-cock punch to an enemy's face while he is standing near a wall may drive his head into it, causing the back of the skull to shatter fatally.
PINNED DROP KICK - Standing behind enemy, holding his arms straight back. A drop kick to the back without releasing arms may severe spine, causing death.
HEAD WRENCH - Grabbing an enemy's head by the mouth and the back of the skull, then twisting with a sudden, violent jerk to rend vertabrae, may easily cause death.
CHOKE HOLD - Once a favorite of law enforcement officials, has often proved deadly. The right arm goes over the enemy's right shoulder, and grips the back of the head. The left arm comes over his left shoulder, reaches across neck, and grabs own right forearm. With enough pressure applied, causes brain damage or death.
HEAD YANK - Bend enemy forward, grab head, and pull back with convincing force. May seperate delicate vertebrae, causing death.
Lets start it off with LIARS!
The definition according to the Free Online Dictionary of computing states that a liar is somone who knowingly utters a falsehood.
I know that everyone lies... it may only be a white lie but everyone tells lies or ommits the truth at some point in time.
Lying often gets worse with the passage of time. When you get away with a lie it often impels you to continue on with your deceptions. Also, liars often find themselves perpentrating more untruths to cover themselves.
We hold different people to different standards when it comes to telling the thruth. We expect, for example, less honesty from politicians then we do from scientists. We have a vision of purity about those who are doing research, well we imagine that politicians will shade the truth about themselves in order to get elected.
Why do we dislike liars, especially sociopaths, so much? It's a matter of trust. When a person lies, they have broken a bond - an unspoken agreement to treat others as we would like to be treated. Serious deception often makes it impossible for us to trust another person again.
Because the issue of trust is on the line, coming clean about the lie as soon as possible is the best way to mend fences. If the truth only comes out once it is forced, repair of trust is far less likely.
But no matter the reason or cause of lieing remember the more you do it the less the trust is there, and the more hurt people may end up feeling.
Lie to me again... and you know who you are... it's done... this is your final chance.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The way society remembers.... 2009??
Off to the beginning of a New Year, and its already the same crap over and over and over again on TV, and online. Ever get sick of Best and Worst... dressed, music, scandals etc.
OMG everyone, we get to hear all about Tiger Woods being a man whore again, its really strange to think how many people were surprised by that. Really?..? Think about it... famous man travels for golf constantly.... doesn't see wife on regular basis... as random women throwing themselves at him on a daily basis.... yet the world is surprised when he sleeps with them. IT WASN'T SURPRISING!
Selena Gomez is the best dressed celebrity of 2009 according to Teen Vogue... Congratulations Miss Gomez for having a stylist that can dress you according to what 5 million teen girls will find the most amazing outfits in the world because that is what they are told.
Michael Jackson wins the category of most surprising death of 2009. Yes Mr. Jackson no matter how many little boys you have been accused of molesting, the absurd amount of plastic surgery you have had, the crazy and wild drugs you have been known of using and abusing in the past, the fact that you have hung your own child over a balcony. You will be known as a man that died and it was a SURPRISE??? You have got to be kidding me.
I find it personally pathetic that more people in the world will know of these and other random useless information that made 2009 such a year.
What about the real world??
How about realizing that South Africa has become the most violent countries in the world, mass attacks on refugees mainly in black residential areas, is upsetting South Africa's story of reconciliation and peaceful transition to democracy.
January 7- Russia shuts off all gas supplies to Europe through the Ukraine. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin publicly endorses and urges greater international involvement in the energy dispute.
January 20- Barack Obama is inaugurated as the 44th, and first African American, President of the United States.
January 26- The first trial at the International Criminal Court is held. The former Union of Congolese Patriots leader Thomas Lubanga is accused of training child soldiers to kill, pillage, and rape.
February 7- In Australia, the deadliest bushfire's in history begun, they killed 173, injured more then 500 and left over 7, 500 homeless.
February 8- The Taliban releases a video of a Polish geologist named Piotr Stanczak, whom had been abducted a few months earlier, being beheaded.
April 7- A former Peruvian President, Alberto Fujimori, is sentenced to 25 years in prison for ordering kidnappings and killings by security forces.
May 18- Following more then a quarter-century of fighting, the Sir Lankan Civil War ends with total military defeat of the LTTE.
June 11- The outbreak of the H1N1 influenza strain, commonly referred to as "swine flu", is deemed a global pandemic.
July 1- Sweden assumes the presidency of the European Union.
August 3- Bolivia becomes the first South American country to declare the right of indigenous people to govern themselves.
September 28- At least 157 demonstrators are killed in a clash with the Guinean military.
October 2- The International Olympic Committee awards the 2016 Summer Olympics to Rio de Janeiro.
November 3- The Czech Republic becomes the final member-state of the European Union to sign the Treaty of Lisbon, thereby permitting that document's initiation into European Law.
December 1- The Treaty of Lisbon comes into force.
I know most of you find that an annoyingly long list etc etc. Its just really sad that people follow celebrity news and gossip more then they do the real world around them. I promise the next entry will be less full of facts and dates and things no one seems to ever truly give a flying rats ass about.
OMG everyone, we get to hear all about Tiger Woods being a man whore again, its really strange to think how many people were surprised by that. Really?..? Think about it... famous man travels for golf constantly.... doesn't see wife on regular basis... as random women throwing themselves at him on a daily basis.... yet the world is surprised when he sleeps with them. IT WASN'T SURPRISING!
Selena Gomez is the best dressed celebrity of 2009 according to Teen Vogue... Congratulations Miss Gomez for having a stylist that can dress you according to what 5 million teen girls will find the most amazing outfits in the world because that is what they are told.
Michael Jackson wins the category of most surprising death of 2009. Yes Mr. Jackson no matter how many little boys you have been accused of molesting, the absurd amount of plastic surgery you have had, the crazy and wild drugs you have been known of using and abusing in the past, the fact that you have hung your own child over a balcony. You will be known as a man that died and it was a SURPRISE??? You have got to be kidding me.
I find it personally pathetic that more people in the world will know of these and other random useless information that made 2009 such a year.
What about the real world??
How about realizing that South Africa has become the most violent countries in the world, mass attacks on refugees mainly in black residential areas, is upsetting South Africa's story of reconciliation and peaceful transition to democracy.
January 7- Russia shuts off all gas supplies to Europe through the Ukraine. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin publicly endorses and urges greater international involvement in the energy dispute.
January 20- Barack Obama is inaugurated as the 44th, and first African American, President of the United States.
January 26- The first trial at the International Criminal Court is held. The former Union of Congolese Patriots leader Thomas Lubanga is accused of training child soldiers to kill, pillage, and rape.
February 7- In Australia, the deadliest bushfire's in history begun, they killed 173, injured more then 500 and left over 7, 500 homeless.
February 8- The Taliban releases a video of a Polish geologist named Piotr Stanczak, whom had been abducted a few months earlier, being beheaded.
April 7- A former Peruvian President, Alberto Fujimori, is sentenced to 25 years in prison for ordering kidnappings and killings by security forces.
May 18- Following more then a quarter-century of fighting, the Sir Lankan Civil War ends with total military defeat of the LTTE.
June 11- The outbreak of the H1N1 influenza strain, commonly referred to as "swine flu", is deemed a global pandemic.
July 1- Sweden assumes the presidency of the European Union.
August 3- Bolivia becomes the first South American country to declare the right of indigenous people to govern themselves.
September 28- At least 157 demonstrators are killed in a clash with the Guinean military.
October 2- The International Olympic Committee awards the 2016 Summer Olympics to Rio de Janeiro.
November 3- The Czech Republic becomes the final member-state of the European Union to sign the Treaty of Lisbon, thereby permitting that document's initiation into European Law.
December 1- The Treaty of Lisbon comes into force.
I know most of you find that an annoyingly long list etc etc. Its just really sad that people follow celebrity news and gossip more then they do the real world around them. I promise the next entry will be less full of facts and dates and things no one seems to ever truly give a flying rats ass about.
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