No. 6 How to act like and adult.

Acting like an adult is just that, acting. You don't actually have to be mature or carry a job that involves something other than a fast food. Once you start getting older, itis expectedof one to hold themselves on a certain regaurd. Unfortunatelt, this manner rarely, if ever, involves getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon because you have to 'finish the keg before it goes bad." One must fit in with actual adults that look down on those who still enjoy breaking into hotel swimming pools and pissing off balconies. To act like a grown up you just have to follow a few simple rules that I will walk you through.

Drink Wine:
Drinking more booze? Sounds like a great idea! Well, unfortunately, its not as tubular rad as it sounds. Instead of chugging cans of cheap beer and making whiskey cokes with five parts whiskey and one part coke, you will have to dring (and learn how to pronounce) different wines in moderation. That's right. Two glasses is the norm for most social functions, and if you're gonna really get crazy you can split a bottle of wine with your wife/husband. "Wait, wife/husband?" (We'll get there.) Wine is classy. You don't hear drunken vicenarians* talking about the age or region of their beer. They just drink it, smash it on their head and repeat. Oh, and wine tastes like shit so you better get use to it.

Judgement:
"How immature!", "That just makes me sad", "Let's get out of the neighbourhood, there's too many minorities." These are just a few statements that you will need to recite in order to become a full fledged adult. As a young adult, judgement is rare. We don't care if someone is different, we'll make fun of them incessantly. If someone is making poor life decisions, we laugh and high five them. Not when you're a grown up. You must look down on these people that choose to "have fun,"  "stay out late," and "work at McDonalds." So look down your nose at those that use theirs to consume their drugs while in Vegas. It will help you forget all the fun times you had only a few short years ago, and rememeber that Fraiser is on in fifteen minutes.

Vocabulary:
No more "suck," "cock," or "cum dumpster." Using Latin phrases really impresses the masses. Latin is the smart person's second language, unlike Spanish and god forbid French. It's like being bilingual without having to work at Taco Bell. To garner a wide vocabulary, one must go to college and actually study. If it;s too late for that, just get yourself a Word of teh Day Calendar. These are perfect, and each day you get to challenge yourself. It will be a funky adventure trying to slyly use the word referendum in a conversation. So go out there and sapere aude all over the fucking place.

Reading:
I know what you're thinking. Reading sucks. But you're doing it right now, (well, sort of) so it shouldn't be too hard to with actual books. Adults like to have these things called "book cases" in their homes and show off their collection of square objects with text. It's kind of like a DVD collection, except not cool. To act like and adult you will also have to actually read. Coloring books do not count unfortunately, but you can still use them in your free time because they're super awesome. Adults will often join book clubs  where they talk about the book's themes and characters and other very, very boring things that do not involve jet skis.

New Friends:
Johnny D., Olly, and Moose must go by the wayside. Actually, any of your friends with nicknames are people that you must abandon once you become a grown up. Once you rid yourself of your actual friends you enjoy being around, you must find a new group of friends, preferably ones that wear collard shirts underneath cashmere sweaters and names like W. Seymore Finch. Find yourself a clique of sophisticated professionals who go to coffee shops and put signs next to their laptops that say "Working, Please Do Not Disturb." These new friends of yours may not be funny, loyal, or even intersting, but they will make you feel like an adult by constantly yelling at servers for their lack of Southern French knowledge.

A Healthy Diet:
No, that doesn't mean ordering chicken instead of been in your burrito at 4 am. It means buying soy this, and low-fat that. You're getting older and your metabolism that you abused throughout college is about to get it's revenge on your chest in the form of man-boobs, or a spare tire. The first thing you must do is without is cheese. Back in the day you would put cheese on everything. Chips. Burgers. Ramen noodles. Not anymore, now the only time you can consume cheese is at a fondue party.** Remember those nasty green things your bitch mother use to force feed you? They're back. Vegtables. You have to eat them because they're good for you and spitting them into napkins is not what grown ups do.

Wardrobe:
You have to wear suits/dresses everywhere. To work, to family functions, to Hot Dog Eating Contests. Whenever I see a dude in a suit I know he means buisness. Suits insinuate power and respect. Your beer pong semi-finalist t-shirt from 2004 does not. (Just kidding, that's awesome, dude!) Work places often times require a dress code that you abide by. Adding accessories to the work wear is not recommended. So no sombreros, glow stick necklaces or chains for your wallet. When out with friends***, you can dress more casual with cardigan, turtleneck, or polo. Remember all the clothes your grandma gave you that you never wear? Well, now you have a reason to dust them off and wear them while visiting wine country!

A Wife/Husband and K|ids:
Ugh, I know.

Here is a short list of other changes you will need to make in order to act like a grown up.

• Proper bed time.
• Cleaning your home more then once a week.
• Insisting on paying for the check at a restaurant while out with friends.
• Working more then 15 hours a week.
• Golfing.
• Male pattern baldness.
• Self control.
• Having the skills to actually fix things.
• Doing your taxes.
• Monogamy.

Now you are ready to jump into the real world and act like an actual grown up. Your life will involve less drunken sluts or assholes, and late night burrito runs and more cleaning and scrap booking. Take down your Bob Marley posters and paint your walls with paint that has discriptive names. You had fun over the last few years, but now it's time to take off that ironic t-shirt and put on a man suit/dress. Don't fret though, you can still have fun at a wine tasting or enjoy new types of cheese at a fondue party. Actually, just kill yourself.

*Sweet new word I learned that means people between 20-29. Use to impress grandma!
**It's not worth it though, no nacho cheese.
***AKA your wife's friends.